BDSM Beginners Kit
Rules for Dominants
Oh yes and by the way... [it's mutual]
- Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive,
you have no more right to order him/her around than does
anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what
you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of
dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand.
The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show
in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
Be humble. You may be God's gift to the world, but no one
needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample
opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of
opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you
claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set
yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you
know you can never reach.
- Be open. Although the top is
classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always
learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be
willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally
different perspective from yours. Try to approach
by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery.
Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
- Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential
information about the people you play with, such as experience,
limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM
without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about
your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that
any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing.
Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not
take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the
- Be honest. If you lack experience in an area
that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest
about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest
with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at
which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety
should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot
a particular scene is.
- Be sensitive. There's a very fine
line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a
self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene
should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your
bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your
submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that
dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the
complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even
threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a
gift to you. Use it appropriately.
- Be realistic. End the scene
with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less.
Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys,
not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what
is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your
favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves,
but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take
over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real
people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette
ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole
existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas
of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love
with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you
totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish
appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your
responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be
dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the
dominant role - now take it!
- Be healthy! Like any
strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in
top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the
amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and
drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene.
Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy
is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be
in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of
"drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it
anyway" violates your submissive's trust in you and can be
dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities,
you shouldn't be playing the game!
- Have fun! After all, sex is
all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are
entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from
responsible, creative SM play.
Taken from The Janus Society San Francisco CA